I have so much love and respect for my emotions and feelings, yet I forget they shouldn’t dominate my decision-making process. I’m always trying to find a balance between listening to my heart and gut, while also using reason and logic to build healthy behaviors. Because words like “mind”, “heart” and “gut” can be experienced so subjectively, I've found it useful to personify my internal struggles as a battle between my angsty inner teenager and my responsible adult self.
These two aspects of myself have been debating each other a lot recently since I'm in a transition period between jobs and I have an open expanse of time to do what I want. On the one hand, I know that waking up at 6 am to go to the gym helps jump-start a day of productivity for me; on the other hand, I'm hooked on the captivating world of the video game Baldur's Gate 3, where I spend late evenings fighting goblins and romancing a vampire. Without the structure provided by a teaching semester or work project, I find myself wondering how the heck do I get anything done and if I should even prioritize productivity during these unstructured periods.
When the alarm goes off in the morning, my inner teenager protests, 'I don’t wanna!' then the wiser, adult part of myself responds, 'Look, I know this sucks right now, but trust me, it’s going to be good for us in the long run.' The eye-rolling 'ugh' vibes of the teenager never truly go away, but that adult voice is right. I have zero enthusiasm and I know there won’t be any instant gratification, but I also know that if I can puppeteer my body out of bed, show up, and get my blood circulating, on the other side of the whining and discomfort is a healthier feeling person waving thanks at me. I call this feeling, “reluctant resolve.”
I was raised with a lot of authoritarian speak that sounded like “do what I say because I know what’s good for you, stop being so immature.” Even at a young age, I was emotionally intelligent enough to know these messages were highly condescending, but I had no power or experience to argue against them. I could only resist through my emotional expression—dramatic pouting and occasional screaming. Today, I recognize that those experiences still influence my internal dialogue.
As an adult, I validate my inner teenager’s hesitation—she’s not wrong, and it makes sense. My teenage self had no need for early morning workouts or forcing creativity in the studio when inspiration was lacking. She enjoyed the benefits of raw talent, a ridonkulous amount of youthful energy, and more free time than my adult self has. Back then, staying up all night making zines and paintings was super easy, barely an inconvenience!
But my adult self has different needs and a different energy capacity. I've learned that a consistent physical movement practice (that’s what I call it to trick my allergic-to-exercise inner teen) that gets my heart pumping and skin sweaty grounds me, eases my anxiety, and improves the quality of my sleep. “Ok fiiiiine” the inner teen relents.
This approach has helped me push through challenging tasks—self-directed endeavors I want to pursue because I believe they are good ways to care for my body and mind. Instead of shaming myself for not having discipline the way the authoritarian voices of my youth did, reluctant resolve allows me to have compassion for the part of myself that lacks confidence and is uncertain she will succeed. It allows me to say,
"Yes, I agree with you, this is hard, and based on what I've seen you accomplish, I know you can do hard things. Let’s do this together."
📣 Hypewoman Time 🙌
One of my favorite improv games is called "hypeman" because I LOOOOVE hyping other people and cheering them on. So this is the section of my newsletter where I share some things I'm really excited about and make me happy:
🎵 Bygone Voyager by Michael V. Flores
Bygone Voyager is “an evocative collection of instrumental works which create a compelling musical adventure through lyrical melodies, unexpected arrangements, and cinematic intensity.” It’s made by my life mate, Michael, who has created many delightful soundscapes for my animations. While our collaborations have led to some silly soundscapes (think 'farty splats'), this album unveils a more authentic side of Michael's talents—multifaceted music and storytelling that's far more sophisticated than the cartoons we cook up together (but equally as captivating). If you enjoy the lovely listens below, then support his work by following and purchasing his music on Bandcamp.
🍉 Suprise Prints for Palestine
My Helvella Art studio mate Paulina has organized this surprise art fundraiser where you can get a bundle of prints, cards, and stickers and support Maha Balata's family of ten who are currently stuck in Palestine. Every bundle is different and will be a mix from our diverse studio!
If you were a child of the 90s, loved shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and felt like a weirdo outcast in high school, then take your inner teenager out on a date and go see I Saw The TV Glow. This movie gave me BIG feelings, and communicates on a very emotional level more than a literal one. On one side of me in the theater were actual teens laughing uncomfortably at the final scene (I think they were too young to get it), and on the other side was a group of elder millennials (target audience) one of which exasperated “this movie f*cked me up!”
Thanks for reading this edition of From Me to You. I felt major reluctant resolve each time I sat down to write this one, which, I don’t know if it helped me in nailing down the emotion or made me overthink it to the point that I scrapped previous drafts, started over and over again, and finally finished after two weeks. I’m gonna go reward myself by playing Baldur’s Gate now.
❤︎,
Annie
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